Failing to Join in with the Rioting

(Please note: This is a humourous piece, no attempt was made to start any trouble and the author in no way condones what happened)

Just like the scene in the Godfather where Clemenza (possibly) says to Sonny (or Michael, I’m not sure, it’s been a while) that a mafia war is needed every five years or so to sort out the bad blood, so Britain needs a good week of rioting to get things back on track. Its been nearly 30 years so we were due I think.

All in all it was an interesting week. We could focus on the negative – the destruction, the fires, the general level of shame brought upon a proud nation but on the other hand, the rioters and looters have a good time, a lot of people get new tv’s, the news has something juicy to report on, the public can tut and shake their heads at the state of the nation’s youth and all our insurance premiums go through  the roof – swings and roundabouts really.

The riots started in London following a peaceful protest.  The protest seemed very admirable and was over a real concern, not about say, losing game seven – I’m looking at you Vancouver. 

Despite our international reputation as being reserved and stuffy, the British really do enjoy a good bout of civil unrest as long as certain conditions are met:

1                     There is a big enough group of us so we can feel part of a team and the chances of being nabbed by the police diminishes the larger the gang

2                     There is a sufficient supply of scarves, hoodies and baseball caps to hide our identities given that we have four CCTV cameras to every adult in the country.

3                     It’s not raining

So it was a balmy summers evening when a critical mass or North London youths elected do their Christmas shopping early and have some impromptu automotive based barbecues.  Naturally this received wall to wall tv coverage so when the chavs* and scratters** from other parts of the country realised what a cost effective way this was of obtaining Ipods, trainers and giant tv’s, 40 watt lightbulbs started pinging into existence above adolescent baseball caps for as far as the eye could see.

The two areas of the country that were expected to see trouble were Manchester and Birmingham – the next two biggest cities in the country. We knew this because it was being organised on Facebook and Twitter. Say what you will about the ignorant and mindless youths that perpetrated the chaos, if there had been a JD Sports or T-Mobile shop in the middle of Bagdhad, they could have co-ordinated the overthrow of Saddams regime in a night.

Now I live in the West Midlands, which the region that Birmingham exists in and which was expected to see an uprising in the unwashed underclass desperate to break some windows and acquire mass produced electrical items. Major unrest was expected in Wolverhampton, Dudley, West Bromwich and Telford, but sadly not my own home town - Stafford.  Is it too middle class? Not ‘urban’ enough? Too many pensioners and not enough disaffected youth yearning for their voice to be heard?  Surely not – all they needed was a leader, an inspirational figure to get them started. That figure would have to be me.  Yes, I’m in my 30’s, no, I do not own a hoodie, no I have never broken the law and no, I do not have a posse but I’ll be damned if it was going to stop me.

The only problem I faced was how? Too young to have been involved in the riots in the early 80’s and too old to have given a monkeys about the student protests a few months ago, I was in no mans land.  A quick google search for how to get things going from scratch didn’t help so I was going to have to improvise.

What follows is a brief account of my efforts:

7.00 am – Woke up feeling emboldened by the events in London the night before and went into my kitchen and put my fist through the microwave.  Mrs Reckoning shot out of bed and expressed displeasure at this turn of events and packed me off to work with the telling off still ringing in my ears.  She made some good points about how was anyone going to know that I broke my own stuff and that it was tremendously stupid and irresponsible of me.  Irresponsible like a fox!

8.30 am – General disgust amongst my colleagues at the looting in London didn’t give me the groundswell of support I was anticipating. A few wellwishers enquired as to the injuries to my hand , explaining that it was all part of the cause and that we would be swimming in Rolex watches soon didn’t appear to be having the desired effect.

12.30 pm – A quick check on the BBC news website shows things have already started in West Brom.  Mixed feelings on this, on the one hand, the talk of it spreading to my area were true but on the other, would my attempts in Stafford look like the work of a copycat.

5.00 pm – Hometime at last. Not expecting a warm welcome at home following the fist / microwave interface I decided to just get on with it.

5.25 pm – The looters in London cunningly targeted the giant Sony warehouse for their looting. Sadly Stafford does not have anything to compare so i am currently staring menacingly at the window of PC World. The only unrest I appear to be causing is through occasionally getting in shoppers paths as they try to enter the store.  I apologise of course – manners maketh the man.

5.35 pm – Little if any support so far

5.40 pm – Realise that i have neglected to bring any items of clothing to cover my face and the CCTV cameras are legion on this retail park.

5.45 pm – After crudely fashioning a mask from my tie, I realise that I have been wearing  my ID badge the whole time. I’m beginning to think this is a lost cause.

6.00 pm – Am quite peckish as it’s been a while since lunch. Decide to go home, stopping en route to get a new microwave. And some flowers for the wife. Feeling  a little dejected that I couldn’t get anything started.

8.30 pm – Home and watching events unfold. In Manchester they have broken into the Arndale Centre and are having a crazy time. Similar scenes in Birmingham.  A little relieved that nothing did kick off here, I couldn’t handle the pressure of leading that kind of mob. I’m more of a follower than a leader.

10.30 pm – Mixed feelings as I go to bed. It’s nice to live in an elderly, middle class town, but I don’t have any new Ipod, Flip cameras or 46 inch plasma tv’s.

Next time perhaps.

* Chavs (courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, fag in one hand jewellery all over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out.

My mate has become a chav what can i do? answer is shoot him before it is too late

** Scratters (courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

Miserable ignorant track-suit wearing trash exemplifying the shit-encrusted population of the British Isles. Abusive dole-scum. The reason today's elderly would rather starve away in their own homes than take a 50-yard trip down to the shops. See also scally and scut-dog. Scratters will shortly be prevalent in the UK due to their spectacularly high teenage pregnancy rate combined with the abundance of cheaply-available KFC.

Why Jason Vorhees is the greatest – Comparing the Horror Movie Villains

Ah, slasher films from the 80’s.  Few things in life can compare to the simple joy of terrorising a group of teens, picking them off one by one in a variety of creative and novel ways. Unfortunately too much of this behaviour can lead to extended stays at her majesties pleasure if you are careless (they key to success is to leave non alive to talk). So thank goodness for the heroic souls who saw such cinematic greats as The Godfather, Patton and the Nutty Professor and decided that what the world needed was 90 minute chunks of ketchup splattered exploitation. For them, a strong storyline, intelligent writing and, you know, talent, were mere diversions on the path to churning out the most memorable movies of any era. 

But what do all these films have in common? Preposterous concepts? An abundance of barely legal boobs? buckets and buckets of red dyed corn syrup?  All of the above and one more key ingredient – a lead villain for the audience to rally around and cheer as he hacks and slashes through every under 20 year old in his kill-zone radius, but who was the best of them?  Everyone has their own opinion and for the most part they are wrong – the answer can only be one man, Jason Vorhees.

Here I present irrefutable evidence that Jason was head and shoulders above his rivals in the psychokiller stakes.  To demonstrate this, I have used the S.H.I.T.E system to compared him in five categories with his most commonly sited peers.  The categories are :

·         Single Mindedness

·         Humour

·         Inventiveness

·         Teen Killing Prowess

·         Eco-Awareness

Single Mindedness

Comparison:  Michael Myers

Michael Myers was undoubtedly focussed – he wanted Laurie dead, we aren’t totally sure why but dammit if he wasn’t persistent. Through seven movies he didn’t waiver from his goal, or did he?. Surely he must win this category?

No, he doesn’t – for a single minded killer he got sidetracked very easily.

Halloween:  Strong start as he kills his babysitter but for no apparent reason, then kills a dog but fails to murder his target, ultimately a failure. Maybe if he was less intent of slaughtering canines maybe?

Halloween 2:   Finds his target drifting in and out of consciousness in a hospital – like shooting fish in a barrel surely? No, he kills a few nurses and fails again in his only goal

Halloween 3:  Didn’t even show up for the movies, lazy M’Fer!

Halloween 4: Switches tack to kill his niece instead. Presumably a six year old is an easier target but of greater concern is Michaels drifting goals. He needed a life coach at this point.

Halloween 5:  More of the same failure to terminate his second target, I was surprised he didn’t shift down again to something even easier to kill, like a snail.

Halloween H20: Twenty years later! Still not managed to do what he set out to do – what has he been up to? Taking a pottery class, travelling around Europe, having a long nap? By this time he has changed priorities again and is back on Laurie Strode.  I’m beginning to think he might have ADD.

Halloween Resurrection: Finally achieves his goal and then drifts aimlessly killing random teens for no real reason. Perhaps he should have followed Oprah’s advice and created a vision-board.

To recap – thirty years of changing priorites and failure. Single minded, I think not, especially in comparison to Jason:

Friday 13^th pt 1: Not in it but his memory and image are enough to safely despatch Kevin Bacon and his chums

Part 2:  Slaughters teens at Camp Crystal Lake because he didn’t want them there

Part 3:  Slaughters teens at Camp Crystal Lake because he didn’t want them there

Part 4: I think you are getting the idea

Part 5:  Took a well deserved break, had Roy stand in for him to, guess what? That’s right, Kill teens at Camp Crystal Lake

Part 6:   Back and refreshed. They try to change the name of the town but JV just keeps on trucking with his teen killing

Part 7:  There’s a lake, there’s teens, what more needs to be said?

Part 8:  A minor diversion as the last third of the movie takes place in New York but where did the teens come from? That’s right – Crystal Lake!

Part 9: Reduced to a role as a malevolent slug, he is still killing teens, you know where.

Part 10:  In space but not of his own doing. Most of the crew members aren’t teens so what can he do?  Given the choice he would be in the comfort of his own lake, slaughtering the under 20’s

Winner: The maniac in the hockey mask

Humour

Comparison:  Freddy Krueger

Freddie Kreuger – master of the one liner. Only Schwarzenegger got more laughs with fewer words prior to killing people. This must be a slam dunk loss for Jason, right? I mean, the V-Man never actually said a word.

Let me tell you who else never said a word in his greatest films – Charlie Chaplin. That’s right, and Buster Keaton. Mmm hmm.

Who speaks in movies? Adam Sandler, Dane Cook, Chris Rock.  It’s becoming clearer huh?

This can be decided with one simple question – did you ever laugh during a Friday 13^th film?  Yes? And Jason was wearing a mask the whole time. Even Chaplin would be impressed with that.

Winner: The Big JV

Inventiveness

Comparison:  Jig Saw

The ingenuity of Jigsaws traps, the cruel irony with which he despatched his victims. Who, in the history of horror movies has shown more inventiveness?

I’ll tell you who – his name is Jason and he did a whole lot of clever stuff.

Who impresses you more – the team from NASA with a multi billion dollar budget who sent a man to the moon, but what since? Or the guys from Scrapheap Challenge who can build a fully functional tank / rocket launcher / bread maker from the stuff we throw away?

Contrast and compare – Jigsaw was clearly a rich man with enough real estate to hide a multitude of victims. An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters, etc

Jason had a piece of shit shack and yet the creativity he employed to slaughter was remarkable. A harpoon gun, a knife, in one memorable case, he beat a camper to death – with another camper! Come on!!

Jigsaw evaded capture by having victims do his work, Jason had a mask, and even then he didn’t get that until part 3, he had to make do with a sack.

Who are you going to give the win to?

Winner: The resourceful chap with the machete.

Teen Killing Ability

Comparison:  Leatherface

Leatherface killed a lot of teens – that’s a fact and it is undisputable.

Jason killed more.  It’s simple maths baby, don’t try and overthink it.

Eco-Awareness

Comparison:   All of the above run. I have out of iconic killers. Yes Pinhead but he was in another dimension, Chucky – a doll? Seriously?  Norman Bates? Ugh, and don’t get me started on any of the post-modern nonsense from Scream and IKWYDLS.

Let’s keep it simple.

Within the realms of the true icons and their eco-friendly credentials because no matter how psychopathic you are, we all have to take care of mother earth.

Michael Myers:

Right there in the first movie, he drives a car all the way back to Haddonfield. This was the 70’s so he’s not getting great mileage out of that thing.  He then proceeds to traipse up and down the country chasing various relatives. He has set a precedent for using inefficient cars so he has racked up a huge carbon footprint.

Freddie Kreuger:

You think that boiler he operated was energy efficient?  Even if he was burning the corpses of children, you know he needed to bolster it with fossil fuels to keep the pipes from freezing. Shame on you.

Jigsaw:

The amount of power he must have used just keeping the lights on in all his traps??  And every message had to be on a tv – no writing stuff down for this guy.  Electricity isn’t free buddy!

Leatherface:

Petrol powered chainsaw – say no more

Jason:

Liven in a hut in the woods – totally organic. 

No killing tools required power.

When he went to Manhattan, he hitched a ride on a boat.

The one time he required electricity (to raise from the dead) he used a lightning bolt, not the grid

He actively and aggressively worked to keep the beautiful land around his humble home free from pollution, litter and sexy teens.  He may be the greatest eco warrior we have ever known, and yet he seeks no credit.  An inspiration.

So there it is, the S.H.I.T.E. system proves it – Jason is the greatest of all time. It’s just science folks.

Dr DR

In Defence of Demolition - a respnse to the Old School Wrestling Podcast

If you don't listed to the Old School Wrestling Podcast (www.flairchop.com) you should be. It is one of the three finest podcasts available anywhere.

The two hosts, Dre and the Black Cat Jook (Duke) Williams are hilarious as they review old wrestling matches. You don't even need to know anything about wrestling to enjoy it.

However, some time ago, Dre spewed some hate filled bile about the greatest tage team of all time - Demolition.

I could not let this slight pass, so here for your reading pleasure is my response.

Was there some Crazy lodged in my ears?

Had I mistakenly downloaded and app that messes with audio files and twists the words of podcasts?

I was driving home from work when I heard it and had to pull over to the side of the motorway, partly out of shock and partly to rewind the podcast to see if I had heard correctly.

Yes, yes I had, the erstwhile Dre, a broadcaster I had held in some regard had, not to be melodramatic about it, blasphemed!  Not only did he say that he did not like Demolition – personal choice, however poor it may be, is not a crime, but he went on to proclaim that nobody could like Demolition.  What heresy was this??  I rewound again, straining to hear the sound of the cooling crack pipe in the background but alas, nothing.  I was left only with the conclusion that he was, gulp, being serious.

How I drove the rest of the way home I do not recall.  Mrs reckoning was alarmed at my pallid, ghostly appearance when I stumbled through the door of Reckoning Manor.  She brought me a large brandy to restore the balance of my vapours and I began to calm down, soon feeling confident that the massed ranks of OSWP listeners would rise up as one and shame Dre into a humbling apology.  Becalmed I awaited the next episode. 

Curiously, there was no mention on the next podcast, or the next, and so on. I was perplexed – were the bigwigs at OSWP Towers suppressing the emails from enraged listeners or were the audience too intimidated to stand up to their oppressors? Obviously the silence was not due to a lack of support for the mighty Ax and Smash -  such a notion is preposterous.

So allow me to be the lone voice prepared to come to the defence of the greatest tag team of all time .

To assist the rebuttal and to make it easier for Dre to understand following the head trauma he must have suffered, I have developed a system that compares Demolition in four categories and to make it even easier, I have compared them to the most prominent teams in each:

·         Championships

·         Ring Attire

·         Ability

·         Presence

And for good measure, let’s add three more:

·         People

·         Impact

·         Entertainment value

That right, I will prove beyond any doubt that no team was more C.R.A.P.P.I.E than the Demo’s

Championships

Comparison: Steiner Brothers

A simple one to start with.  The Steiners won championships in three major promotions: WCW, WWF and New Japan, which means that they lost titles in three major promotions as well.

Demolition only ever lost the titles in one promotion – the WWF.  Three to one in the loss column, basic maths wins this argument.

Winners: Demolition

Ring Attire

Comparison: Rock n Roll Express

Ricky and Robert had handkerchiefs and scarves everywhere?  That didn’t even look cool on Steven Tyler’s mic stand.

Demolition wore studded black leather. Ignoring the homoerotic overtones of that outfit. Which would you be more afraid of in a dark alley at night? (For whatever reason)

Winners:  Inappropriate S&M gear all the way

Ability

Comparison: British Bulldogs

The toughest one to call. There are many technically proficient teams to choose from but the Bulldogs probably did more for tag team wrestling innovation that anyone else. Well, Dynamite Kid did.

The Demo’s never invented a new move, rarely used anything beyond punches and slams and would have suffered nose bleeds and vertigo if either ventured above the second turnbuckle.

But Ax and Smash achieved so much more with so less. That has to count for something surely?  To win the titles so many times despite a repertoire of four and a half moves? They must have been insanely good at those moves?  It’s not about quantity, its quality that counts. The Rockers, for example, invented new moves every week but were seen as little more than jobbers. The Demo’s perfected their attack and never left the title scene.

Winners: The unhindered by talent, face-painted marvels

Presence

Comparison:  Powers of Pain

Some similarities – facepaint, cool outfits and Mr Fuji but who had the edge in the ring by sheer presence?

The PoP were huge, I mean ginormous. I a straight fight with a T-Rex, I’m not sure where my money goes.

Demolition were, to be honest, a bit chubby. No muscle definition due to no muscles.

So why did we give them a chance against creatures from the abyss like the PoP?

You get my drift

Winner: Middle aged men who look a bit like your uncle going to the Rocky Horror Show

People

Comparison:  Fabulous Freebirds

How many tag teams can legitimately claim to have three outstanding members? Not many, primarily because the rules only allow you to have two but the awesomeness of the Demo’s was such that they added a third member, and not only that he was pretty shit in comparison to the originals. So confident were they that their intimidation level was so high that no matter who they plugged in to the third spot, it would work. And it did, sort of.

Of the few teams who had three members – Iron Sheik, Sgt Slaughter and General Adnan, the Von Erichs (discounted because they had like five or six brother that were interchangeable depending on who had taken the fewest pills that night) and Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire (counts as three people surely), only one can hold a candle to Demolition – the Freebirds – and that candle is pretty dim my friend.

Lets compare the three:

Ax vs Michael Hayes

Ax had to retire from in ring duty due to a heart complaint, Hayes retired because he had drunk the Jack Daniels distillery dry and wouldn’t compete without at least a fifth inside him.

Today, Ax still soldiers on, hardcore style in gyms and shopping malls around the country. Ignoring medical advice he is still delivering ass kickings to all jobbers who come near him.

Hayes, knowing he could never live up to his reputation, changed his name and became a fat announcer.  For shame Michael Hayes!!

Winner: Ax

Smash vs Terry Gordy

Despite his legendary ability and even more legendary matches, what was the biggest criticism of Gordy – lack of personality.

 Smash, like an out of control schizophrenic,  went on to have multiple personalities – Repo Man, Blacktop Bully, one of the Doinks (probably)

No contest

Winner: Smash

Crush vs Buddy Roberts

It’s not fair to compare physical ability here, so let’s give Roberts a chance.

Roberts wore Confederate flag bandanas before they were cool

Crush wore tie dye and day glo gear long after it was cool

Winner (for sheer contempt of fashion trends): Crush

Overall Winner: The boys in black

Impact

Comparison: Road Warriors

The most common comparison for Ax and Smash.  There are those who claim that Vince McMahon, having tried unsuccessfully to sign Hawk and Animal, created Demolition as clones, but those are the ramblings of a lunatic and should be disregarded.

Instead, let’s go back in time to when I first saw Demolition. As a pre-adolescent boy, I was just discovering new and wonderful things about the world – Girls and the WWF. 

Knowing very little about either, I was keen to find out all I could. There was no internet so my access to both was sketchy.  I knew of the British bulldogs and when I was told they would be on TV that night, all the forces know to Satan could not have moved me from that TV.  But wait, what was this coming to the ring to the sounds of generic heavy metal. Two imposing characters in black leather, lead by an oriental dwarf?  This is most curious.  They have no features, no, wait, they are in masks!! This gets better!  Then, once in the ring, the unmasked and what did we see? Facepaint!! The world may as well have ended there because humanity had reached its peak. To hell with the Bulldogs, young DR had new heroes.

Contrast and compare with the impact of the Road Warriors.

Having watched WWF for a year or so, the TV channel that carried the shows lost the contract and scrambled to find a replacement.  What did we see? The NWA? Aren’t they a rap group?  First on were the Powers of Pain – aren’t they? They look like the PoP but haven’t got anywhere near the muscle size or definition, and does the lighter skinned one have a bald patch?  Are they the PoP’s dads?  No, this won’t do, this won’t do at all.  “Mother, I demand you subscribe to satellite TV immediately” I cried in anguish,” I cannot abide these third rate imposters for a moment longer”.

Who had the greater impact?

Winners: Like the Godfather 2, the rare sequel that outdoes the originals

Entertainment Value

Comparison: Bushwhackers

The Bushwhackers licked each other faces and the faces of small children in the crowd.  By today’s standards that’s not entertainment it’s the precursor, to a restraining order and would ensure that Luke and Butch would have to introduce themselves to their neighbours whenever they moved house.

Ax and Smash as far as I can recall, never licked anyone before, during or after any matches.  So insistent were they that licking was not part of their entrance, the work face masks that prevented an inappropriate tongue action whatsoever.

The Aussie buffoons marched to the ring waving their arms in a way that could cause serious injury to the crowd, and as Mama Reckoning used to say “it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt”.

The Demo’s ambled to the ring like they had just finished a ten hour shift at the mill. Nobody was at risk of having a random elbow break their nose during their introduction!

I could go on but the winners are clear: The elderly gentlemen with silver paint on their faces

So, it has taken a lengthy email but you can clearly see that Demolition were far and away the greatest tag team that ever was. Don’t just take my word for it – Science proves it. When you think of Demolition, you think C.R.A.P.P.I.E.

I look forward to Dre’s apology.

Your Humble Servant,

Dead Reckoning (Dr)