The two hosts, Dre and the Black Cat Jook (Duke) Williams are hilarious as they review old wrestling matches. You don't even need to know anything about wrestling to enjoy it.
However, some time ago, Dre spewed some hate filled bile about the greatest tage team of all time - Demolition.
I could not let this slight pass, so here for your reading pleasure is my response.
Was there some Crazy lodged in my ears?
Had I mistakenly downloaded and app that messes with audio files and twists the words of podcasts?
I was driving home from work when I heard it and had to pull over to the side of the motorway, partly out of shock and partly to rewind the podcast to see if I had heard correctly.
Yes, yes I had, the erstwhile Dre, a broadcaster I had held in some regard had, not to be melodramatic about it, blasphemed! Not only did he say that he did not like Demolition – personal choice, however poor it may be, is not a crime, but he went on to proclaim that nobody could like Demolition. What heresy was this?? I rewound again, straining to hear the sound of the cooling crack pipe in the background but alas, nothing. I was left only with the conclusion that he was, gulp, being serious.
How I drove the rest of the way home I do not recall. Mrs reckoning was alarmed at my pallid, ghostly appearance when I stumbled through the door of Reckoning Manor. She brought me a large brandy to restore the balance of my vapours and I began to calm down, soon feeling confident that the massed ranks of OSWP listeners would rise up as one and shame Dre into a humbling apology. Becalmed I awaited the next episode.
Curiously, there was no mention on the next podcast, or the next, and so on. I was perplexed – were the bigwigs at OSWP Towers suppressing the emails from enraged listeners or were the audience too intimidated to stand up to their oppressors? Obviously the silence was not due to a lack of support for the mighty Ax and Smash - such a notion is preposterous.
So allow me to be the lone voice prepared to come to the defence of the greatest tag team of all time .
To assist the rebuttal and to make it easier for Dre to understand following the head trauma he must have suffered, I have developed a system that compares Demolition in four categories and to make it even easier, I have compared them to the most prominent teams in each:
· Championships
· Ring Attire
· Ability
· Presence
And for good measure, let’s add three more:
· People
· Impact
· Entertainment value
That right, I will prove beyond any doubt that no team was more C.R.A.P.P.I.E than the Demo’s
Championships
Comparison: Steiner Brothers
A simple one to start with. The Steiners won championships in three major promotions: WCW, WWF and New Japan, which means that they lost titles in three major promotions as well.
Demolition only ever lost the titles in one promotion – the WWF. Three to one in the loss column, basic maths wins this argument.
Winners: Demolition
Ring Attire
Comparison: Rock n Roll Express
Ricky and Robert had handkerchiefs and scarves everywhere? That didn’t even look cool on Steven Tyler’s mic stand.
Demolition wore studded black leather. Ignoring the homoerotic overtones of that outfit. Which would you be more afraid of in a dark alley at night? (For whatever reason)
Winners: Inappropriate S&M gear all the way
Ability
Comparison: British Bulldogs
The toughest one to call. There are many technically proficient teams to choose from but the Bulldogs probably did more for tag team wrestling innovation that anyone else. Well, Dynamite Kid did.
The Demo’s never invented a new move, rarely used anything beyond punches and slams and would have suffered nose bleeds and vertigo if either ventured above the second turnbuckle.
But Ax and Smash achieved so much more with so less. That has to count for something surely? To win the titles so many times despite a repertoire of four and a half moves? They must have been insanely good at those moves? It’s not about quantity, its quality that counts. The Rockers, for example, invented new moves every week but were seen as little more than jobbers. The Demo’s perfected their attack and never left the title scene.
Winners: The unhindered by talent, face-painted marvels
Presence
Comparison: Powers of Pain
Some similarities – facepaint, cool outfits and Mr Fuji but who had the edge in the ring by sheer presence?
The PoP were huge, I mean ginormous. I a straight fight with a T-Rex, I’m not sure where my money goes.
Demolition were, to be honest, a bit chubby. No muscle definition due to no muscles.
So why did we give them a chance against creatures from the abyss like the PoP?
You get my drift
Winner: Middle aged men who look a bit like your uncle going to the Rocky Horror Show
People
Comparison: Fabulous Freebirds
How many tag teams can legitimately claim to have three outstanding members? Not many, primarily because the rules only allow you to have two but the awesomeness of the Demo’s was such that they added a third member, and not only that he was pretty shit in comparison to the originals. So confident were they that their intimidation level was so high that no matter who they plugged in to the third spot, it would work. And it did, sort of.
Of the few teams who had three members – Iron Sheik, Sgt Slaughter and General Adnan, the Von Erichs (discounted because they had like five or six brother that were interchangeable depending on who had taken the fewest pills that night) and Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire (counts as three people surely), only one can hold a candle to Demolition – the Freebirds – and that candle is pretty dim my friend.
Lets compare the three:
Ax vs Michael Hayes
Ax had to retire from in ring duty due to a heart complaint, Hayes retired because he had drunk the Jack Daniels distillery dry and wouldn’t compete without at least a fifth inside him.
Today, Ax still soldiers on, hardcore style in gyms and shopping malls around the country. Ignoring medical advice he is still delivering ass kickings to all jobbers who come near him.
Hayes, knowing he could never live up to his reputation, changed his name and became a fat announcer. For shame Michael Hayes!!
Winner: Ax
Smash vs Terry Gordy
Despite his legendary ability and even more legendary matches, what was the biggest criticism of Gordy – lack of personality.
Smash, like an out of control schizophrenic, went on to have multiple personalities – Repo Man, Blacktop Bully, one of the Doinks (probably)
No contest
Winner: Smash
Crush vs Buddy Roberts
It’s not fair to compare physical ability here, so let’s give Roberts a chance.
Roberts wore Confederate flag bandanas before they were cool
Crush wore tie dye and day glo gear long after it was cool
Winner (for sheer contempt of fashion trends): Crush
Overall Winner: The boys in black
Impact
Comparison: Road Warriors
The most common comparison for Ax and Smash. There are those who claim that Vince McMahon, having tried unsuccessfully to sign Hawk and Animal, created Demolition as clones, but those are the ramblings of a lunatic and should be disregarded.
Instead, let’s go back in time to when I first saw Demolition. As a pre-adolescent boy, I was just discovering new and wonderful things about the world – Girls and the WWF.
Knowing very little about either, I was keen to find out all I could. There was no internet so my access to both was sketchy. I knew of the British bulldogs and when I was told they would be on TV that night, all the forces know to Satan could not have moved me from that TV. But wait, what was this coming to the ring to the sounds of generic heavy metal. Two imposing characters in black leather, lead by an oriental dwarf? This is most curious. They have no features, no, wait, they are in masks!! This gets better! Then, once in the ring, the unmasked and what did we see? Facepaint!! The world may as well have ended there because humanity had reached its peak. To hell with the Bulldogs, young DR had new heroes.
Contrast and compare with the impact of the Road Warriors.
Having watched WWF for a year or so, the TV channel that carried the shows lost the contract and scrambled to find a replacement. What did we see? The NWA? Aren’t they a rap group? First on were the Powers of Pain – aren’t they? They look like the PoP but haven’t got anywhere near the muscle size or definition, and does the lighter skinned one have a bald patch? Are they the PoP’s dads? No, this won’t do, this won’t do at all. “Mother, I demand you subscribe to satellite TV immediately” I cried in anguish,” I cannot abide these third rate imposters for a moment longer”.
Who had the greater impact?
Winners: Like the Godfather 2, the rare sequel that outdoes the originals
Entertainment Value
Comparison: Bushwhackers
The Bushwhackers licked each other faces and the faces of small children in the crowd. By today’s standards that’s not entertainment it’s the precursor, to a restraining order and would ensure that Luke and Butch would have to introduce themselves to their neighbours whenever they moved house.
Ax and Smash as far as I can recall, never licked anyone before, during or after any matches. So insistent were they that licking was not part of their entrance, the work face masks that prevented an inappropriate tongue action whatsoever.
The Aussie buffoons marched to the ring waving their arms in a way that could cause serious injury to the crowd, and as Mama Reckoning used to say “it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt”.
The Demo’s ambled to the ring like they had just finished a ten hour shift at the mill. Nobody was at risk of having a random elbow break their nose during their introduction!
I could go on but the winners are clear: The elderly gentlemen with silver paint on their faces
So, it has taken a lengthy email but you can clearly see that Demolition were far and away the greatest tag team that ever was. Don’t just take my word for it – Science proves it. When you think of Demolition, you think C.R.A.P.P.I.E.
I look forward to Dre’s apology.
Your Humble Servant,
Dead Reckoning (Dr)
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