Ah, slasher films from the 80’s. Few things in life can compare to the simple joy of terrorising a group of teens, picking them off one by one in a variety of creative and novel ways. Unfortunately too much of this behaviour can lead to extended stays at her majesties pleasure if you are careless (they key to success is to leave non alive to talk). So thank goodness for the heroic souls who saw such cinematic greats as The Godfather, Patton and the Nutty Professor and decided that what the world needed was 90 minute chunks of ketchup splattered exploitation. For them, a strong storyline, intelligent writing and, you know, talent, were mere diversions on the path to churning out the most memorable movies of any era.
But what do all these films have in common? Preposterous concepts? An abundance of barely legal boobs? buckets and buckets of red dyed corn syrup? All of the above and one more key ingredient – a lead villain for the audience to rally around and cheer as he hacks and slashes through every under 20 year old in his kill-zone radius, but who was the best of them? Everyone has their own opinion and for the most part they are wrong – the answer can only be one man, Jason Vorhees.
Here I present irrefutable evidence that Jason was head and shoulders above his rivals in the psychokiller stakes. To demonstrate this, I have used the S.H.I.T.E system to compared him in five categories with his most commonly sited peers. The categories are :
· Single Mindedness
· Humour
· Inventiveness
· Teen Killing Prowess
· Eco-Awareness
Single Mindedness
Comparison: Michael Myers
Michael Myers was undoubtedly focussed – he wanted Laurie dead, we aren’t totally sure why but dammit if he wasn’t persistent. Through seven movies he didn’t waiver from his goal, or did he?. Surely he must win this category?
No, he doesn’t – for a single minded killer he got sidetracked very easily.
Halloween: Strong start as he kills his babysitter but for no apparent reason, then kills a dog but fails to murder his target, ultimately a failure. Maybe if he was less intent of slaughtering canines maybe?
Halloween 2: Finds his target drifting in and out of consciousness in a hospital – like shooting fish in a barrel surely? No, he kills a few nurses and fails again in his only goal
Halloween 3: Didn’t even show up for the movies, lazy M’Fer!
Halloween 4: Switches tack to kill his niece instead. Presumably a six year old is an easier target but of greater concern is Michaels drifting goals. He needed a life coach at this point.
Halloween 5: More of the same failure to terminate his second target, I was surprised he didn’t shift down again to something even easier to kill, like a snail.
Halloween H20: Twenty years later! Still not managed to do what he set out to do – what has he been up to? Taking a pottery class, travelling around Europe, having a long nap? By this time he has changed priorities again and is back on Laurie Strode. I’m beginning to think he might have ADD.
Halloween Resurrection: Finally achieves his goal and then drifts aimlessly killing random teens for no real reason. Perhaps he should have followed Oprah’s advice and created a vision-board.
To recap – thirty years of changing priorites and failure. Single minded, I think not, especially in comparison to Jason:
Friday 13th pt 1: Not in it but his memory and image are enough to safely despatch Kevin Bacon and his chums
Part 2: Slaughters teens at Camp Crystal Lake because he didn’t want them there
Part 3: Slaughters teens at Camp Crystal Lake because he didn’t want them there
Part 4: I think you are getting the idea
Part 5: Took a well deserved break, had Roy stand in for him to, guess what? That’s right, Kill teens at Camp Crystal Lake
Part 6: Back and refreshed. They try to change the name of the town but JV just keeps on trucking with his teen killing
Part 7: There’s a lake, there’s teens, what more needs to be said?
Part 8: A minor diversion as the last third of the movie takes place in New York but where did the teens come from? That’s right – Crystal Lake!
Part 9: Reduced to a role as a malevolent slug, he is still killing teens, you know where.
Part 10: In space but not of his own doing. Most of the crew members aren’t teens so what can he do? Given the choice he would be in the comfort of his own lake, slaughtering the under 20’s
Winner: The maniac in the hockey mask
Humour
Comparison: Freddy Krueger
Freddie Kreuger – master of the one liner. Only Schwarzenegger got more laughs with fewer words prior to killing people. This must be a slam dunk loss for Jason, right? I mean, the V-Man never actually said a word.
Let me tell you who else never said a word in his greatest films – Charlie Chaplin. That’s right, and Buster Keaton. Mmm hmm.
Who speaks in movies? Adam Sandler, Dane Cook, Chris Rock. It’s becoming clearer huh?
This can be decided with one simple question – did you ever laugh during a Friday 13th film? Yes? And Jason was wearing a mask the whole time. Even Chaplin would be impressed with that.
Winner: The Big JV
Inventiveness
Comparison: Jig Saw
The ingenuity of Jigsaws traps, the cruel irony with which he despatched his victims. Who, in the history of horror movies has shown more inventiveness?
I’ll tell you who – his name is Jason and he did a whole lot of clever stuff.
Who impresses you more – the team from NASA with a multi billion dollar budget who sent a man to the moon, but what since? Or the guys from Scrapheap Challenge who can build a fully functional tank / rocket launcher / bread maker from the stuff we throw away?
Contrast and compare – Jigsaw was clearly a rich man with enough real estate to hide a multitude of victims. An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters, etc
Jason had a piece of shit shack and yet the creativity he employed to slaughter was remarkable. A harpoon gun, a knife, in one memorable case, he beat a camper to death – with another camper! Come on!!
Jigsaw evaded capture by having victims do his work, Jason had a mask, and even then he didn’t get that until part 3, he had to make do with a sack.
Who are you going to give the win to?
Winner: The resourceful chap with the machete.
Teen Killing Ability
Comparison: Leatherface
Leatherface killed a lot of teens – that’s a fact and it is undisputable.
Jason killed more. It’s simple maths baby, don’t try and overthink it.
Eco-Awareness
Comparison: All of the above run. I have out of iconic killers. Yes Pinhead but he was in another dimension, Chucky – a doll? Seriously? Norman Bates? Ugh, and don’t get me started on any of the post-modern nonsense from Scream and IKWYDLS.
Let’s keep it simple.
Within the realms of the true icons and their eco-friendly credentials because no matter how psychopathic you are, we all have to take care of mother earth.
Michael Myers:
Right there in the first movie, he drives a car all the way back to Haddonfield. This was the 70’s so he’s not getting great mileage out of that thing. He then proceeds to traipse up and down the country chasing various relatives. He has set a precedent for using inefficient cars so he has racked up a huge carbon footprint.
Freddie Kreuger:
You think that boiler he operated was energy efficient? Even if he was burning the corpses of children, you know he needed to bolster it with fossil fuels to keep the pipes from freezing. Shame on you.
Jigsaw:
The amount of power he must have used just keeping the lights on in all his traps?? And every message had to be on a tv – no writing stuff down for this guy. Electricity isn’t free buddy!
Leatherface:
Petrol powered chainsaw – say no more
Jason:
Liven in a hut in the woods – totally organic.
No killing tools required power.
When he went to Manhattan, he hitched a ride on a boat.
The one time he required electricity (to raise from the dead) he used a lightning bolt, not the grid
He actively and aggressively worked to keep the beautiful land around his humble home free from pollution, litter and sexy teens. He may be the greatest eco warrior we have ever known, and yet he seeks no credit. An inspiration.
So there it is, the S.H.I.T.E. system proves it – Jason is the greatest of all time. It’s just science folks.
Dr DR
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